Childhood with Asperger's
This page will be less structured than the others I've posted so far. I'm going from memory and recollecting happenings/incidents as they come to me, so I might add things and re-shuffle what I've already added for smoother continuity. For the nursery and infant it will be more behavioural patterns that would be early indicators of having Asperger's. The juniors and especially secondary school will be about the experiences I had and feelings I experienced during those times.
Nursery
At such a young age I wasn't aware of any signs that would suggest I had Asperger's, at that age though I'm tipping I'd be a genius to recognise and diagnose such things in myself. However to look back in retrospect I can see some of my play patterns show fairly clear signs that I had it. I had a lack of imagination for games that didn't involve some sort of physical aid. An example of this is my friend at the time Alex and myself would play Batman and Robin (we were clearly the cool kids) and I was fine when we were riding on the tricycles but when it came to just using our imagination I wasn't able to build scenarios for me to carry on playing.
When it was time to play inside I used to like building structures made from craft like materials for a nursery, which included things such as cardboard boxes, toilet rolls and yogurt pots. When I'd make things it had to have symmetry in the size of items and even with the colour of the items I'd use. If I were to make a fortress I'd have to have enough matching yogurt pots put place on the lookout towers or I wouldn't use any.
I think the biggest indication I had looking back at the nursery was when it came to using the toilets. When we needed to use to toilet a teacher would have to be there in the room. At that age it's obvious some children may have "accidents" and need assistance, however I was hyperaware of the their presence. Even at such a young age it made me feel uncomfortable and even degraded to know somebody was there while I did something as private as use the toilet.
Infant School
Again with the age I was some of this will be in retrospect, although by this point I can remember a lot of situations and the feelings I experienced during them. The first one that comes to mind is very similar to the last one I listed for the nursery, a feeling of discomfort and embarrassment. It came from having to do P.E in my underwear. I couldn't understand the need to dress down and be exposed when doing the class. It didn't make sense to me when we'd play out and not have to do the same. Luckily, my mother was a teacher at the school and I was allowed to wear shorts. I wonder whether the same amount of understanding would have been afforded to me if not though. Even at such an early age I was aware of situations that made me self conscious, and made me give thought to what others around me may have thought of me.
Another instance of having a very strong sense of my character at a very young age was when I was made an example of by a dinner lady. At the end of the meal at dinner waste food was meant to go in one tray and cutlery in another. The child at the same table as me who was elected to clean up was scraping the spare food on top of the cutlery and I was trying to point that out. I was then made to stand up in front of everyone in the dinner hall and tell the room why I was talking. Even after explaining myself, and that I was doing it to enforce "their" own rules I had to miss my playtime. I felt humiliated that I'd tried to do the right thing and being punished for it and that despite my age I'd not been listened to regardless of having a reason for talking.
Academically at the infants I'm sure I never set the world alight with what I produced in terms of written work, however my logically mind seemed to be beyond that of the other kids in my class. One of the favourite games we had in our class was to make vehicles from what were in essence over sized Lego blocks. Once we'd spent our time building them, we'd crash them to see who's would last. I never once lost that game because I always played it in a practical manner, where as the other children would make something that looked pretty. I was so good at the game the other kids got to a point where they didn't want to play against me as I was so good at it. I had a base idea of how I'd always make my vehicle but I could look at what they were making and make adjustments to suit their design. Playing at times was almost like a science for me to try and perfect by looking past the simple enjoyment of it.
Junior School
One of the things that stands out to me now was my lack of imagination when playing outside at break time. I struggle to join in and play with the other kids because I couldn't suspend disbelief enough to be in the moment of playing. I think the biggest example of this was to play "army" where I had to pretend to hold a gun in my hand. I couldn't look past that all I was doing was forming my hands in to a shape with two fingers poking forwards. It was so disjointing for me that I had to do something completely different to my friends as I couldn't enjoy it. It was even the case when playing with a prop if it wasn't what it should have been I wouldn't enjoy it or even see the point in playing if it wasn't being "played right." The other kids could play football with a squashed drinking can where I was aware that it didn't travel like a ball so it wasn't worth playing.
As for school work, this is where it started to stand out that I was working at a much slower pace than the others around me. My need for my work to look neat was slowing my writing pace down to a crawl. At the time I always thought that it was others around me were more intelligent, so would produce so much more in terms of quantity. Basing it on the grades I received at the side of the others I was on par in terms of quality, but at that age the lack of quantity in work worried me.
Hindering me further was my lack of imagination when it came to creative writing. When I had to think up a plot of some kind without being given a structure I had to sit there and repeat ideas over and over to try and force progression. Once I'd done that and written down the next line or two I then had to re-read the paragraph to build the picture of my own story back up in my mind. I can't 100% pin down why I found writing poetry different but I was noticeably quicker at that. It could be that I found it easy to find rhyming words and build a sentence around them. There was also that in volume of written content my poetry was much less than what I had to produce for a creative story.
Secondary School
The first specialist I saw summarised I had School Phobia, which I've read is now referred to as School Refusal. The way it was described to my parents at the time was a fear of the place/building itself. Again upon reading about it myself it seems as though School Refusal was in its infancy of being correctly understood. Even at that age I was aware enough of my own feelings to know this was way off the mark as I had no problems going into/near the school itself. I don't really remember what happen in regards to perusing that line of thinking as it was never really brought up again past that initial judgement.
What I feel is massively important to point out is that upon the first diagnosis I knew my own feelings enough to know what was said had been wrong. Unfortunately being a child made it hard to voice my opinions as I'm sure I seemed to fit nicely into a categorised group like many of the children they'd have seen before me. It's sad to say but I think some of the people I saw were complacent at their job, and didn't treat me as an individual and had preconceived ideas by the time they'd read me referral.
I think the importance of keeping good lines of communication with the family member or friend who is potentially having a difficult time is vital. The reason I say this is that you have a real insight into how that person is feeling. Much more so than that of someone who may see then once every few months. A good example of this is I went to see someone who I felt was very abrupt and probably wasn't in the job with the aim of helping people in need. With that in mind for my next visit, I pepped myself up like I was the happiest person in the world who was completely care free. This was enough for her to say there was a big enough turn around for us to not have any further meetings. That was smoke and mirrors from a child, so as I said the importance of knowing how a person is really feeling can't be over exaggerated.
So far this may seem like a rant on how bad people working within the education system are, but that wasn't the case with me. I had some very strong support from people when it would have probably been easier on them professionally to try and force me into school full time. Some teachers even went as far as to home school me outside of school hours, which I can't imagine them being forced to do.
The best way I could describe how I felt about being at school is I felt I couldn't fit in with the timetable and classroom atmosphere, but yet I didn't fit in within the special needs unit either. Within the classroom I was hyperaware of how every around me was acting and putting a lot of energy in to not doing anything to stand out. I'd also learnt to somewhat mask my lack of speed when working but that also took huge amounts of energy to do to try and keep pace. According to one of the tests I took to assess my academic levels I was managing to write only about 4 words per minute. On the other hand when I was asked to attend the special needs unit I was asked if I'd help teach some of the other students and the thought of that responsibility was insurmountable.